September 1, 2012

I got up before 4 am this morning the first day of three days off. I want to find something cool to do today and thought of looking for a bookstore and found one close to home with a coffee shop in the same location. Going to go try it out and see what I think.

Well I did try it out and it certainly is small. I skipped the coffee house because of the beer sign.

Well it was after 11am and I was hungry. Drove how I was lead and thought of RED Robin and I was so glad I went. Very good salad and enjoyed myself very much.

Headed to Farmington where Vicki said there was another book store. Wow it was a farmers market going and crowed. Would I find a place to park? Yes right in front of TJMax where I wanted to check out the wallets. No wallet but the book store was right next door and was it every big, huge. So I wander around. It was musty and the books were not for me but still an adventure.

Really need to go to the bathroom. Drove back over the Starbucks and hoped for a spot to park and wow yes there was one right in front of Starbucks. Made it to the bathroom and did not even have to wait. Got a coupon with my coffee for I had made it there before 2pm. Wow what a day. Sat outside and enjoyed the weather.

Drove to a gas station on that side of town hoping for better prices, but no luck and got my gas anyway. Alan called and said we can do his birthday today. He would call me back about the movie and he did. Drove home and got ready for my evening with Alan.

Alan I met at the movies and watched the new Batman. We had snacks because it was a 3 hour movie. We ate at the Mexican restaurant by the theater and enjoy a very comfortable time talking and relaxing. What a wonderful day!!!!  

A week since my last post

Life is like this road, it curves and we cannot see around the curve. 


I have taken some time to read over the blogs I have written. I have felt at times I am learning to overcome my fears. I have been brave and stretched myself into new areas.
And at other times I have given up and been lost in anger. 


I am off for 4 days. I am hoping as I blog today that I can get in touch with my inner self and be in the moment and let go of what is around the curve. 


I have 4 days to do with whatever I wish. I hope to use them well. And mostly I hope to not hide from what could be around that corner. 


I am praying for strength to have my head in touch with my heart. To be aware when I am lost in thoughts of fear and instead of running from them to stand up and face them and realize they are not the truth.  To celebrate my life just like it is and really believe I can make the best choices and all is well. 


Today I am going to enjoy who I am, just as I am, for I am a child of God. I am going to listen for I am being led. 


Instead of dreading that curve I am going to ACCEPT life!


Recognize what I can change and what I can't. In every moment, accept that everything is as it should be. Accept that my body is round and fat and glorious. Just love it. Accept that I don't do things the way everyone else does. Just embrace it. Accept that sometimes I don't have enough money for things I want and life is just hard. Just cry and move through it. Accept that I can't do it all-and who would want to, anyway? Accept a kind word. Don't apologize. Accept a gift --no matter how big, how small. Say Thank you without embarrassment. Accept that life isn't always fair and find the wonder in that, too. Don't accept things that aren't mine, like misdirected shame and blame. Like credit for someone else's accomplishment. Like disrespect. Accept everything I am and nothing I am not. 




wonderful to blog

Seeing

Today when I woke up before 4am I couldn't go back to sleep. I kept thinking about stuff in my life. Out of all my thinking I noticed that lots of the time when I think I see pictures in my thoughts of people and places I am thinking about. Clear pictures kinda like watching television.

The more I thought about it I wondered if watching more television instead of reading books has made me lazy in understanding life. For it seems that I understand or hold unto what I remember I see more than what I feel.

Can words make us go deeper inside to feel more than an image can? I think that it uses more of our brain to read words and then internalize those words than to see a picture and internalize what the picture says to us.

I have met 2 new guys in my life lately. One only by chatting on the internet and one in person at my job. The guy I am trying to let go of that has been a part of my life for many years is also in my thoughts.

The guy I have spent many hours with I have lots of clear pictures in my mind and often just seeing something brings him to me. The guy I have only seen three times in the last two days somehow has made a great impression on me and I see him very clearly. The guy I met online I have not seen in person. and I am most confused about.

I trust so often what I see. And I have been wanting for sometime to learn how to trust my source deep within me. To listen more to the small still voice that I believe has my best interest at heart. To get more in tune with the living water running though me.

Meeting someone on line forced me to deal with trust issues I have. Allowing myself to overcome my fears of trusting someone to really care for me. I think this is true because I have felt different about myself. lately. It seems to take a lot of faith to look at words and believe them with no real see-able evidence in front of me.

All this being said I am grateful for the new turns in my life right now. I am thankful for the strength to stretch my life and be open to new experiences. 

And the biggest thing I learned today about the seeing is that, being so use to pictures to tell the story makes looking at tomorrow so hard. I try to hard to visualize what I can not possibly see. And knowing this I hope will help me lean more on the small still voice within me today and less on the picture of life I hope for tomorrow. For God has all my life in His loving hands.

Living a dream and loving to blog.

Easter 2012

I woke up early before sunrise and remembered how I have enjoyed Easter morning in times gone by. I would watch the dark sky waiting for light remembering how Jesus taught us to believe in God's love. 


I lit candles and put music on. I sat in the dark listening for God to speak to me.


I don't have any words to write but I do have a feeling of contentment. I feel full of love. 


I felt led to read my book "Oh the places you will go". I have been in the waiting place waiting for something better than I have. 


I must find my way back to faith, and simply remember that my life is:


A lifetime of self-discovery and self-creation. A lifetime of struggle, of wondering where you belong, of testing and tasting and letting go and bringing forth your own glorious self. It may often feel as though your're going nowhere, but trust that your are always exactly where you need to be.

Stop Running

Do you ever caught yourself running from your thoughts? I do and it seems like that's all I do lately.

I want to lay them down. I want to let go of them.

Yesterday I read these words;

If you are working to eliminate negative thoughts and feelings, think before you act! Stop yourself from walking down the path of reaction. Examine your beliefs about yourself and your experiences. Be willing to release those things that are in conflict with your goal to release negative thoughts and feelings. Only when you participate on all three levels of your being can you break habitual responses that repeatedly produce unwanted experiences.

I have been separating my heart and mind. Trying to choose one over the other. Blaming myself for listening to the wrong one.

Lord I give you all my wants and desires. Today I trust you with my mind and my heart. Here are all my burdens please help me to leave them with you.

Celebrating life no matter what!

Ever had a day you felt like this picture looks, really wrong.

Yesterday I started out the day determined and happy I could be the good news. I was alive with the thought I could focus on being the good news and everything was good.

On the way home from work it was a beautiful day, sun shining and gorgeous. I almost hit a goose and didn't and I was feeling very blessed.

Then it all changed. I was waiting to pull into my parking spot for a kid had to move, and as I am waiting a car next to me is backing out, I kept thinking it saw me and would stop. I tried to blow my horn but could not find it. And then it happened, bang, crunch my mirror fell down. I started crying and could not stop. The man got out of his car and tried fixing my mirror and said his insurance would fix it. My spot opened I parked the car and went in the apartment crying. I could not stop.

The police came and took my info. I was in a daze. I knew I only have liability and no insurance is going to pay a claim. I did not want to look at my car. Just the other day I had counted my blessing that I had not gotten into any accidents with my car and now it happened. And here is the truth of my misery why I cried so much. My paycheck is small just enough to pay my bills. NO extra money to buy groceries, no money to get my hair done, no money to shop at all and now my car needs to be fixed.

I had felt so good that morning at work when someone said I was always in a good mood. I patted my self on the back for overcoming the stress of my life and going out and bring the good news. And now I was a mess. I was so angry about my life. Was I ever going to get a break. I knew I was angry but I was tired of trying so hard to be happy.

I had already agreed to babysit so I went to my daughters and sat there in her living room crying. They looked at my car and showed me everything was fine and fixable. For I have a plastic Saturn and no worries. But that did not make me feel better. I did not want to feel better.

Babysitting went well for it kept my worries at bay. My daughter came back from there time out and brought me a gift trying to cheer me up. But I did not want to be cheered up. I was tired of being a happy person....

I woke up this morning tired, but my anger is gone. I know that God never gives us more than we can handle. And there is a reason for everything even a day gone wrong.

My hope is back. and yesterday is over. Maybe I needed a day just to be angry.

I want to remember that some days just go wrong but they are a beautiful day for it. And admitting I am not a superwomen is such a relief.

love this blog.......

The Good News

Today I am the good news!

I read those words this morning. I read that until today I may have been waiting to recieve some good news. And that I hay have been listening to or spreading gloomy, dismal or bad news. But just for today I can be devoted to being the good news in my own life.

This fit me so perfectly today. I had a day yesterday that I felt was terrible. And all I want to spread was bad news for I had been waiting for great news and did not get it.

The funny thing is the day before was amazingly great. So I think I expected yesterday to be great and it was not. At any rate yesterday I felt bad all day.

Today I read these words. Today I am not going to focus on what is not right in my life. I am not going to complain. There will be no crisis, no drama, no victim stories for me today. There will be no sadness, no gloom and no doom. On this day I am going to be the good new!. I am going to show up with something good to say, something good to give, something good to do for somebody. Today I will realize when I am the good news, I can only receive the perfect reflection of who and what I am.

What wonderful words to live by and I am thankful I read them today.

Fear Not

I have been so afraid for the last while.

I have been afraid to trust another person. I have been afraid that I am not good enough to have another person in my life.

The Lord is my strength ......

Isaiah 41:10

fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Proverbs 3:5&6

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Isaiah 30:21

Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."

Psalm 23

---

1 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

This blog is me searching for strength. There is more to believe in than to fear. I am not giving into this time of uncertainty.

With God All things are Possible

Roses

Yesterday I received 2 dozen long stem roses at work. They were delivered Fedex. And the two coworkers that brought them to me were very happy for me. They helped me really feel good about the experience in that I really felt deep down a wonder instead of all the confusion about the flowers.

Today I am very confused for the person that sent them to me is not responding to my thank yous.

So I am letting go of why I have them and simply believe I am loved. I touch them and smell them and I smile. I am still overwhelmed at moments that they are real.

Maybe this is simply a learning lesson to completely trust God and put everything in His hands.

24 roses and I want to count 24 reasons I have to be thankful today!

24: I am alive

23: I have a beautiful home to live in

22: I have a wonderful family, I am blessed with children and grandchildren

21: My wonderful twin sister who is always there for me

20: All my siblings, and extended family

19: My faith

18: My hope

17: My iPad and iPhone

16: My health

15: Strength when I am weak

14: The joy I feel over small things

13: The amazing roses and the joy they are bringing me

12: All the guys I have gotten to know

11: All the times I have gotten to dance.

10: All the places I have gotten to travel to with Lonna and Rodney

09: My many friends I have made on this journey

08: My talent and the stuff I have created

07: My jobs and all the things I have learned

06: Getting to go to college and graduate with honor

05: Food in my kitchen even when I am broke

04: Help learning to be patient

03: Getting to do things I like to do like organizing and finding great shows to watch

02: The internet

01: this blog

Yesterday I got flowers at work. This was a true surprise. And yet something I have dreamed of happening to me for a long time.

The way we think we will feel when we dream of something to happen in our lives and the way we really feel is often different. We have so many thoughts running through our heads at one time and they so often compete against each other.

The words on the card were "I want you to know I care so much about you" For me the words seemed like they were coming strait from God. For only God knows how long I have longed to feel special and how long I really believed I do not feel worthy of feeling special.

I have come to realize how negative my thoughts are all the time and I realize that I can be aware of the negative thoughts and let them go and replace them with thoughts of faith in God. And this calms my mind and gives me peace.

Really every fearful or angry thought we have is against God, and He does not deserve them at all. And every time we judge ourselves or others wrongfully we do not deserve it. What a bad habit I have and what a wonderful feeling that I can live with out that habit.

Today I read

Today I am devoted to reminding myself of the good I have done and the goodness that I am!

What a wonderful way to look at life.....

Finding my way!

Yesterday at work I noticed a difference in me. I realized I was thinking negatively and I stopped it. Wow it seemed so simple and I felt so at peace.

Yesterday when I got up I read about that we often go against what we want for our lives because we feel unworthy that we can have the life we want. So we say one thing and do another. I feel very unworthy in my thoughts, which are very negative about my life. I want to remember what I learned yesterday and practice it every moment.

This morning I read about how we spend a lifetime chasing goals which may not be right for us. That the simplest goal of enjoying our life each day and listening to God may the best goal of all. And this goal would help in stopping all the negativity for there would be no reason to beat myself up any more or anyone else.

Wow image that I get up start the day listening to be guided on how to live this day in love with my life and others and let go of all the rest. TRUSTING like never before that everything is in God's hands. And be aware of the negative thoughts and stopping them right away.

I am so thankful for this blog.

A New Day

Today is Sunday and I woke up ready to start my day. Last night I wrote down a list of things to do and I think that helps.

I have been watching a show on Netflix on my iPad for a while now. The show was made a few years ago. It is based in a morgue and on the people who work there and the drama in the dead bodies or the personal lives of the doctors and police. I really enjoy the show because it gets down to why and how and finding the truth and believing in yourself.

I think watching this show is helping me accept myself as I am.

I really think starting this blog is also helping me and this is only my 2nd blog.

Right now I am sitting at my computer which is by a window which I can look out on this new day. The grass is green, the birds are singing. It is 8am and the world is quiet. What a beautiful morning.

I started this blog to help me get out of my head and let go of all the stuff in there. Writing does help in that I am forced to think about what I am writing instead of being lost in fear and running from it. I don't feel afraid right now. I feel creative and alive.

I just thought of one of my fears. I get an idea then right away I think of why I can't follow through, then I beat myself up for now doing my idea. Then I am afraid and seem stuck. When I search for an answer to get myself moving I get completely sidetracked and then I am back to beating myself up. What a stupid cycle that is. There is a simple answer and I will find it.

Believing in the best, talking positive to yourself is a good start. And writing about this is also a good start.

I am thankful for this blog and the idea I got from Lonna.

Understanding myself

I am hoping that I can type out my feelings about my life and understand it better.

It is March 2012 and I will be turning 60 soon. My job in sales that I have had for the past 4 years is stressing me alot because of how my hours have gone down and my checks are so small. I have been blessed by God with groceries and money. But still when I think about the future and what I should do I get very stressed. I know that I am good right now it is just very scary to me what will happy tomorrow. I know God is in control and yet I let my thoughts scare me.

I pulled away from the guy I was seeing. And I almost got carried away by a gone who contacted me on the internet. I want a guy of my own to share my life with, at least I think I do but I have realized that I tend to loose my self in a guy and I do not really want to do that any more.

So here I am trying to understand What do I really want in this life.

So here goes; I want to live in peace and harmony, I want to love myself and others, I want to let go of all fears and completely trust God. To live each moment and let go of the past and future. To be happy with what I have and let go and trust God with all those nagging wants. To stop beating myself up for all my mistakes.

So my goal is to start writing out my feelings in the hope that my life will be more at peace.

I want to follow wear I am lead and be all that I can be.

so the journey moves on