A week since my last post

Life is like this road, it curves and we cannot see around the curve. 


I have taken some time to read over the blogs I have written. I have felt at times I am learning to overcome my fears. I have been brave and stretched myself into new areas.
And at other times I have given up and been lost in anger. 


I am off for 4 days. I am hoping as I blog today that I can get in touch with my inner self and be in the moment and let go of what is around the curve. 


I have 4 days to do with whatever I wish. I hope to use them well. And mostly I hope to not hide from what could be around that corner. 


I am praying for strength to have my head in touch with my heart. To be aware when I am lost in thoughts of fear and instead of running from them to stand up and face them and realize they are not the truth.  To celebrate my life just like it is and really believe I can make the best choices and all is well. 


Today I am going to enjoy who I am, just as I am, for I am a child of God. I am going to listen for I am being led. 


Instead of dreading that curve I am going to ACCEPT life!


Recognize what I can change and what I can't. In every moment, accept that everything is as it should be. Accept that my body is round and fat and glorious. Just love it. Accept that I don't do things the way everyone else does. Just embrace it. Accept that sometimes I don't have enough money for things I want and life is just hard. Just cry and move through it. Accept that I can't do it all-and who would want to, anyway? Accept a kind word. Don't apologize. Accept a gift --no matter how big, how small. Say Thank you without embarrassment. Accept that life isn't always fair and find the wonder in that, too. Don't accept things that aren't mine, like misdirected shame and blame. Like credit for someone else's accomplishment. Like disrespect. Accept everything I am and nothing I am not. 




wonderful to blog

Seeing

Today when I woke up before 4am I couldn't go back to sleep. I kept thinking about stuff in my life. Out of all my thinking I noticed that lots of the time when I think I see pictures in my thoughts of people and places I am thinking about. Clear pictures kinda like watching television.

The more I thought about it I wondered if watching more television instead of reading books has made me lazy in understanding life. For it seems that I understand or hold unto what I remember I see more than what I feel.

Can words make us go deeper inside to feel more than an image can? I think that it uses more of our brain to read words and then internalize those words than to see a picture and internalize what the picture says to us.

I have met 2 new guys in my life lately. One only by chatting on the internet and one in person at my job. The guy I am trying to let go of that has been a part of my life for many years is also in my thoughts.

The guy I have spent many hours with I have lots of clear pictures in my mind and often just seeing something brings him to me. The guy I have only seen three times in the last two days somehow has made a great impression on me and I see him very clearly. The guy I met online I have not seen in person. and I am most confused about.

I trust so often what I see. And I have been wanting for sometime to learn how to trust my source deep within me. To listen more to the small still voice that I believe has my best interest at heart. To get more in tune with the living water running though me.

Meeting someone on line forced me to deal with trust issues I have. Allowing myself to overcome my fears of trusting someone to really care for me. I think this is true because I have felt different about myself. lately. It seems to take a lot of faith to look at words and believe them with no real see-able evidence in front of me.

All this being said I am grateful for the new turns in my life right now. I am thankful for the strength to stretch my life and be open to new experiences. 

And the biggest thing I learned today about the seeing is that, being so use to pictures to tell the story makes looking at tomorrow so hard. I try to hard to visualize what I can not possibly see. And knowing this I hope will help me lean more on the small still voice within me today and less on the picture of life I hope for tomorrow. For God has all my life in His loving hands.

Living a dream and loving to blog.

Easter 2012

I woke up early before sunrise and remembered how I have enjoyed Easter morning in times gone by. I would watch the dark sky waiting for light remembering how Jesus taught us to believe in God's love. 


I lit candles and put music on. I sat in the dark listening for God to speak to me.


I don't have any words to write but I do have a feeling of contentment. I feel full of love. 


I felt led to read my book "Oh the places you will go". I have been in the waiting place waiting for something better than I have. 


I must find my way back to faith, and simply remember that my life is:


A lifetime of self-discovery and self-creation. A lifetime of struggle, of wondering where you belong, of testing and tasting and letting go and bringing forth your own glorious self. It may often feel as though your're going nowhere, but trust that your are always exactly where you need to be.

Stop Running

Do you ever caught yourself running from your thoughts? I do and it seems like that's all I do lately.

I want to lay them down. I want to let go of them.

Yesterday I read these words;

If you are working to eliminate negative thoughts and feelings, think before you act! Stop yourself from walking down the path of reaction. Examine your beliefs about yourself and your experiences. Be willing to release those things that are in conflict with your goal to release negative thoughts and feelings. Only when you participate on all three levels of your being can you break habitual responses that repeatedly produce unwanted experiences.

I have been separating my heart and mind. Trying to choose one over the other. Blaming myself for listening to the wrong one.

Lord I give you all my wants and desires. Today I trust you with my mind and my heart. Here are all my burdens please help me to leave them with you.

Celebrating life no matter what!

Ever had a day you felt like this picture looks, really wrong.

Yesterday I started out the day determined and happy I could be the good news. I was alive with the thought I could focus on being the good news and everything was good.

On the way home from work it was a beautiful day, sun shining and gorgeous. I almost hit a goose and didn't and I was feeling very blessed.

Then it all changed. I was waiting to pull into my parking spot for a kid had to move, and as I am waiting a car next to me is backing out, I kept thinking it saw me and would stop. I tried to blow my horn but could not find it. And then it happened, bang, crunch my mirror fell down. I started crying and could not stop. The man got out of his car and tried fixing my mirror and said his insurance would fix it. My spot opened I parked the car and went in the apartment crying. I could not stop.

The police came and took my info. I was in a daze. I knew I only have liability and no insurance is going to pay a claim. I did not want to look at my car. Just the other day I had counted my blessing that I had not gotten into any accidents with my car and now it happened. And here is the truth of my misery why I cried so much. My paycheck is small just enough to pay my bills. NO extra money to buy groceries, no money to get my hair done, no money to shop at all and now my car needs to be fixed.

I had felt so good that morning at work when someone said I was always in a good mood. I patted my self on the back for overcoming the stress of my life and going out and bring the good news. And now I was a mess. I was so angry about my life. Was I ever going to get a break. I knew I was angry but I was tired of trying so hard to be happy.

I had already agreed to babysit so I went to my daughters and sat there in her living room crying. They looked at my car and showed me everything was fine and fixable. For I have a plastic Saturn and no worries. But that did not make me feel better. I did not want to feel better.

Babysitting went well for it kept my worries at bay. My daughter came back from there time out and brought me a gift trying to cheer me up. But I did not want to be cheered up. I was tired of being a happy person....

I woke up this morning tired, but my anger is gone. I know that God never gives us more than we can handle. And there is a reason for everything even a day gone wrong.

My hope is back. and yesterday is over. Maybe I needed a day just to be angry.

I want to remember that some days just go wrong but they are a beautiful day for it. And admitting I am not a superwomen is such a relief.

love this blog.......

The Good News

Today I am the good news!

I read those words this morning. I read that until today I may have been waiting to recieve some good news. And that I hay have been listening to or spreading gloomy, dismal or bad news. But just for today I can be devoted to being the good news in my own life.

This fit me so perfectly today. I had a day yesterday that I felt was terrible. And all I want to spread was bad news for I had been waiting for great news and did not get it.

The funny thing is the day before was amazingly great. So I think I expected yesterday to be great and it was not. At any rate yesterday I felt bad all day.

Today I read these words. Today I am not going to focus on what is not right in my life. I am not going to complain. There will be no crisis, no drama, no victim stories for me today. There will be no sadness, no gloom and no doom. On this day I am going to be the good new!. I am going to show up with something good to say, something good to give, something good to do for somebody. Today I will realize when I am the good news, I can only receive the perfect reflection of who and what I am.

What wonderful words to live by and I am thankful I read them today.